11-A Database of Single Men

About ten minutes later, Charley arrived. Mary was making a new batch of guacamole dip when Charley walked over to the fridge and opened a Corona without asking. He sat on the kitchen stool, and joined our conversation like he was there from the beginning.

We were talking about Charley’s latest girlfriend when Nicky made her climatic entrance. She walked in without knocking, waving several sheets of paper above her head. She was soaking wet from the rain outside.

“People listen up,” Nicky announced. “I have in my hand, the Holy Grail.”

“Great, now I can retire,” William said.

“I thought you already were retired,” Mary said to him.

“This piece of paper is the envy of every single woman in New York City,” Nicky said. “Let’s see, this guy makes $175 thousand dollars. This guy is an attorney at Brown and Bain. This guy works for the Mayor’s office. This guy is a Vice President,” Nicky brought the paper closer to her eyes, “a Vice President of a Tortilla Factory in the Bronx? How did you get in here?” She threw the paper on the floor.

“You didn’t,” Mary said.

“I did,” Nicky said gleefully.

Charley inched closer.

“I can’t believe you went through with it,” Mary said.

“Went through with what?” Charley asked.

“Oh, it was easy,” Nicky said to Mary.

“I can’t believe you broke the law.” William got off the couch and walked over. “This I have to hear.”

“Was it hard?” Mary asked.

“Was what hard?” Charley asked.

“Actually it was quite easy,” Nicky said.

“How did you do it?” Mary asked.

“Do what?” Charley asked.

“I did it just like we talked about,” Nicky said.

Charley grabbed a ceramic plate from the table and dropped it on the floor. The shattering sound stopped the conversation.

“Now that I have your attention, will someone please tell me what Nicky did? If it got William off the couch, it must be big,” Charley said.

“Nicky broke into your gym’s database to find phone numbers of the club’s most eligible bachelors,” Nicky said.

“Nick, you reached a new low. Give me five,” Charley said.

Nicky slapped him two high-fives.

“But you have no idea what these guys look like, right?” Mary asked.

“Nope, but on paper, they look pretty damn good to me.” Nicky kissed a sheet of paper. “Besides, they all belong to a gym. They have to be fit.”

Mary pointed to her husband. “William belongs to a gym.”

Charley raised his hand, “I belong to a gym.”

“Do I have to say more?” Mary asked.

“C’mon, give us the details, from the beginning. How did you break the code?” William asked.

We all walked over to the living room as Nicky began to recount the story. Nicky sat in the middle of the couch and we gathered around her like she was telling a ghost story at a campfire.

There wasn’t enough room for William on the couch, so he grabbed the leather ottoman, and brought it closer to the couch. A log in Mary’s fireplace started to crackle.

“I waited outside the trainer’s office for about ten minutes,” Nicky said. “I could see the trainer working on his computer through his glass door. When he finally walked out, I slipped on my black headband, and made sure no one was watching. Then I snuck in.”

“Why did you slip on a black headband?” Charley asked.

“Shush,” Mary said. “Go on, Nicky.”

“His computer was fairly simple to figure out,” Nicky said. “On his desktop, was a file icon that said ‘member database.’ So I clicked on it, and there it was, the golden tablet.”

“I need some marshmallows,” Charley said.

“An excel spreadsheet opened up, and showed members ranked by salary, age, occupation, sex, even weight. I wrote down the top twenty guys on the list as quickly as I could, then I walked out before anyone could see me.”

“So how are you going to meet these guys?” Mary asked.

“I’m going to call them up, and offer them free training sessions.”

William laughed so hard beer came out of his mouth.

“You’ve got to be kidding. You don’t know anything about training,” William said.

“I’ll wear tight clothes,” Nicky said.

“That’ll work,” Charley said.

“No, you have to think this through,” Mary said. “Where are you going to meet these guys?”

“I’ll invite them to the coffee shop,” Nicky said.

“And when they ask, why aren’t we meeting at the gym. What are you going to say?” Mary asked.

“I’ll tell them our club policy prohibits me from soliciting them at the gym,” Nicky said.

“Works for me.” Charley clapped his hands.

“No, what if these guys are ugly and fat?” Mary asked. “We know how picky you are.”

“I’ll make it so our schedules keep conflicting,” Nicky said. “And if they’re good looking, I’ll train him that day.”

“Sounds like it’s fail-proof,” Charley said. “I think you got yourself a husband.”

Charley and Nicky gave each other high-fives again.