18-Meet my Friends

Friday night had arrived and it was time for Larry to finally meet the three closest people in my life: Mary, Nicky and Charlie. We had all agreed to meet at Mary and William’s apartment at 8pm, but Nicky arrived an hour before us to spend some extra quality time with Mary.

Inside their apartment, William was in the living room, working on his computer. He had piles of notes and stacks of files on his desk, all research on the telemarketer who had cursed him a few weeks ago.

By now, the telemarketer had become personal for William and Mary. After William yelled at the telemarketer over the phone, the telemarketer made it his personal plight to harass not just William, but Mary too. And he didn’t just call during the day. The telemarketer called at all hours: before dawn, in the middle of the night, during dinner. It was like the guy never slept. And the telemarketer would play childish pranks on them, like asking for Willy Wonka, or asking Mary if she knew of any good chocolate factories. He even tried to talk dirty to Mary over the phone, but she hung up instantly.

In the process of reporting the harassing caller to the Federal Trade Commission, William learned the government had a reward out for this telemarketer’s arrest. Apparently, Mary and William weren’t the only people complaining to the FTC about this guy. It turned out, the telemarketer was blatantly abusing the Do-Not-Call list, which was a law that made it illegal for telemarketers to call anyone who was on this federal registry. The law also made it illegal for telemarketers to call after 9pm, local time.

But this telemarketer didn’t care who he called. Who was going to catch him? So in the process, hundreds and hundreds of complaints on this man littered the FTC’s office every month. No one in the federal government cared, until one day the chairman of the FTC got a call at home. This same telemarketer cursed at the FTC’s chairman over the phone, and that was all it took. The next day, the federal government issued a $250,000 reward for the arrest of this man. The FTC chairman was determined to make an example of him. William was determined to capture him, and collect the reward.

But it wasn’t an easy task. The only thing William knew was the guy’s name, James, his phone number and voice. William didn’t know what the guy looked like, or where he lived, or even what he was like in person. But it didn’t matter to William. He was determined to succeed. More important, William believed in himself. Of course everyone else thought William was chasing the wind.

While William was playing Inspector Gadget, Nicky was in Mary’s bedroom, trying on dresses for the upcoming wedding. Bloomingdales and Saks shopping bags were scattered all over the King size bed. Several dresses were placed on the small chair next to the window. Mary was sitting on the bed with her legs crossed, shoes off. Her Ralph Lauren plaid comforter was pulled back. She gave Nicky advice on every outfit, down to the smallest details.

“What do you think of this?” Nicky asked, turning toward Mary.

“I don’t like it. It makes your ass look big, but your boobs look big too. It’s a tradeoff.”

Nicky gave Mary a dirty look. She stripped down to her bra and panties and threw the dress at Mary.

“What? You want me to be honest with you, don’t you?” Mary asked.

“Yes, put it in the return pile,” Nicky said.

Mary gently folded the dress and put it in a Bloomingdales bag.

“Mary, Will you promise me something?” Nicky asked.

“Sure. What is it?”

“If you ever don’t hear from me after a week, will you check on me in my apartment?”

“Yeah, but why?” Mary asked.

“I just found out a coworker died in his apartment,” Nicky said. “He lived alone and missed work for two weeks before anyone called him. When they finally checked on him, they found him dead on his linoleum floor. No one even knows when he died. He could have been dead for weeks.”

“Oh my God, that’s horrible.” Mary sat on the bed. “I’m really going to make sure my marriage works now.”

“This is about me dying, not you,” Nicky said.

“Nick, if I go two days without hearing from you, I’ll check on you. How about that?”

Just then, Nicky’s cell phone rang. Nicky pulled it out of her Coach purse, and looked at the caller ID.

“My God, this guy doesn’t give up,” Nicky said.

“Who is it?”

“It’s James, that guy who’s trying to get his free training session. He’s called me everyday since we met, and I’m running out of excuses to not meet up.”

Mary laughed.

“Is this the guy who patted you on the butt?” Mary asked.

“Yes, and I’m repulsed by him. He’s so bossy and arrogant.”

Nicky bit her nails as she thought of what to say.

“Give it to me,” Mary said. “I’ll tell him you’re busy.”

Mary grabbed the phone.

“Hello, Nicky’s phone,” Mary said.

“Nicky please,” the caller said.

“Nicky is away from her phone right now. Can I take a message?”

“I’ll wait,” he said.

“You’ll wait?” Mary laughed. “Well, you might be waiting for a long time because she left her phone at my house and I haven’t had a chance to give it back.”

Nicky put her hands over her face, and turned towards the wall.

“I’ll take her home number,” the caller said.

“I don’t think so. I don’t even know who this is so I’m not going to give you any numbers,” Mary said.

“It’s James, she’s expecting my call. Don’t worry, she’ll be excited to hear from me. We go way back,” James said.

“I’m sure you do, James, but I can’t give you her home number. I’ll tell her you called.”

“Wait,” he yelled.

Mary didn’t say anything.

“I tried her at the gym, and they said they don’t have a trainer named Nicky. They say she’s probably a floater from a different club. Can you just tell me which is her home club?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know which one it is,” Mary said.

“Well, she lives on the East Side, so it’s probably the Sports Club on Fifth Avenue.”

“No, she lives on the Upper West Side,” Mary said.

Nicky threw the pillow at Mary.

“Oh, yeah, Upper West Side,” James said. “Okay, write down my number for her.”

“Is it the number on this cell phone?”

“Yes.”

“I think she’ll see it on her cell phone. Goodbye James, I have to go.”

Mary threw the cell phone on the bed.

“My God, he is so obnoxious,” Mary said in a high-pitched voice.

“I know, and he won’t give up,” Nicky said. “I’m actually thinking of training him just once to get him off my back. But I’m worried if I say yes, I’ll never get rid of him. Maybe I can give him a hernia.”

“So do you still think this was a good way to find a husband?” Mary asked.

“Probably not.”